Tag Archives: Intuition

Muse o Mine

my-guardian-angel-b2

Pitch Black

It was dark…totally pitch black !

Sight in the first blink of my eyes; just after the 8 hours of my Brain Tumour Pterional Craniotomy Surgery…terrified, panicked, freaked-out; whatchamacallit…I was DOOMED…game over!_My mind ticked !!

Deep breathing with a little prayer and hope…after few blinks, there it goes, ray of light started to peep in with familiar images started to visualized. I recognized them…Yeah, I can see….Yeah, I CAN SEE !

GOD is Great,I am blessed !
#throwback_18th September 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel…

There’s what I always think it is.  Hoping this chaos, this convoluted mess, web of confusion, this pit of darkness; somehow something good will come out of it. Miracles happen to help make sense of the battle, the turmoil, the pain, the exhaustion. One thing that all these series of unfortunate events did to me was bring out my personality totally to the full force.

Recovering…

Using this moment, an absolute the turning point, to rebuild, refocus and realize what this new life is all about. Ruminate and reminisce…it’s sad that I have not taken priority in the earlier stage this blues and fuelled it into this vibrant, energetic, motivated and inspired me. Instead I mope and feel weakness pulsating through every vessel. I do not over-share in the beginning because I do not think anyone will understand. Instead it manifests into more sorrow and an overflow of exhaustion. Gosh!!

Have I cried enough? … Well, I cannot recall but yeah…Yes, in my own way.

Do I think I am a burden to my partner? …Yes and so so Yes !

Am I selfish? … A little bit Yes !

Do I feel pressure to have moved on already? …Totally Yes !

Am I different? …Absolutely Yes !

Am I lucky? …Probably Yes !

I want to wipe away all the anguish and just feel better. I am so want to have a good day in each every single day. Everything now starts with “Ever since I survived…,” there is that cloud, this moment of grasping for air and trying to understand how to cope, reflect and stand up. This is a new beginning. Dealing with few major unfortunate events in life forces every vein in my well-being to face my real self, my identity, everything I knew …All of me !

With Almighty GOD gifts and loves, with a simple and adequate upbringing, with a good mixing blood in me, a true-true Scorpion that I have always been;  had very powerful feelings about things and an ability to be able to feel so much love towards people, but at the same time can hurt me like crazy. That is something that I have needed mentoring on, and that I have had to grow into. I have to keep moving forward, venture to a new career path, renew faith in self, to recommence romance, a growing family, a totally new life…?

Answer is…I evolve to a better person than I was before…

I found ways to heal mind, body, spirit and soul, but never healed my heart. The biggest thing I have learned in this round of reinvention after the Brain Tumour and Cancer is the importance of Self-Love. My perceived faults were never flaws, nor even mistakes. Embracing that helped me to accept all that I am, and all that others are as well. I cannot fully love, forgive, or embrace others until I can do the same for myself. I have finally managed to decouple these people I have loved from the matrix of post-traumatic stress triggers, simply by choosing to love them again. That trapped child within has finally been released, and is free to just Love again….Love conquers all…Love Life !

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“Togetherness – L.O.V.E “

New life resurrection…

It’s all started when I took a chance and decided to solely in charge to develop the interior design of an International corporate office based in Malaysia just after my remission. At first I thought it was just a same old typical job that I have done before. But, it started to develop during my site visit, first time I saw this 16 foot tall colourful human sculpture titled “Togetherness” at the site main entrance of the prestige building in the heart of Kuala Lumpur City Centre, The Platinum Park. It perceives “LOVE” to me. I was moved by how powerfully yet simply it represented how I have felt about one too many people over past years. Some might say the sculpture represents people’s egos, pride, and resentment. Allowing pain to persist when people are unwilling or unable to resolve bad situations with each other even though deep inside; the inner side of me is reaching out towards the other with LOVE.

People, Process and Progress…

The positive vibes and energy from the sculpture then transferred to the people. I had been introduced to the team member of the job, which very interesting as much as I learn about them and the more I interacted with them, I realized I was thrilled to work closely with this amazing team. Ranging from the Client-Customer, the Leader and the Manager to the Builder; each of them has a good personality quality and interesting character, are very much in tune with each other, has a great sense of team spirit, believes in their purpose, and runs the operation and shift without a formal leader in the middle of things. We have a “shared philosophy” and I must admit and put in word that…this is the first time ever I feel, I have worked in a whole and comprehensively accomplished.

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The People

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The Project

Throughout the process, we challenged, questioned, resolved conflicts, and argued. As a result, we left with specific plans and commitments to develop into a success results. The hard work and effort paid off as I became known as “the star” of the project and singled out as “special” compared to my other few hundreds jobs. I was motivated by the positive attention, the empowerment, and the pride that goes along with being the best. As a result of this experience, it is clear the team developed out of a clear understanding to compete against the goal instead of each other. We stayed self-driven and self-directed as a result of being allowed to become more than our “individual selves”.

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One of All

To self-accomplish, after all I realized and learn that I finally found the precious thing that I have lost; MY LIFE !  Been surrounded with great people from different background and different practises with positive vibes somehow boosted the serotonin in me and precisely there was ONE and still is ONE particular amazingly inspiring that just make me smile again and most importantly…bring my life back! Thank you !

In the progress, now I fully aware that life is short so why make it shorter as I can make it sweeter. I will do as much as I can to fulfil those many blanks in my life. Continuously I will…

…”Preserve the existence; conserve the possession…Quest of ventures; Pursuit of Endeavours”…

Clock ticked and ready to be unstuck…

After few months of joyride, the project finally reached the completion then again here I am…the melancholia triggered. Sadden but there is always the beginning of each ending. I was up there for a while and back to down here once more time. That is life that I have to leave in…always resentment to contentment; pressure to pleasure;hostility to serenity…that I cannot allow myself to be under the line again…Never again. I must find the remedy to the catastrophe, seeking for opportunities, booked the flight ticket and enjoy the journey. Damn it…what a roller coaster ride!

Teasing my mind to arouse my creativity…

                                   ….”Where art thou, Muse o ma creation…”

Like all things I really want in my life, sometimes I just need to reprogram the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to support what I want to move into a creative mindset. Really, that is the gist of it.

Again, deep breathing with a little prayer and hope…I lie back, relax and take pleasure in exploring few provocative ways to arouse my creativity. Count my blessings and spend time with love ones and LOVE MY MIND…Start pursuing my free writing, write from a real me and WRITE MY MIND or write craps…Get away from the computer, take my pencil, my sketchbook and SKETCH MY MIND…Listen to new sound, new music and SING MY MIND… Meet new people from different walks of life, strike up a conversation in any way and SPEAK MY MIND…Do something that makes me happy; that brings me joy; that make me feel loved; that centers me and FEEL MY MIND…Be in the moment or I call this ‘being in the zone‘ and BE MY MIND !

These are all muses to me…maybe a living or non-living…pursuit or activity…active or reflective, but it is important to me because it has potential to heal, inspire, motivate, uplift, and reveal me. In my fast paced creative world, the muse often becomes the island of solace and becomes a very necessary part of my inner creativity growth and the evolution of myself.

I may have stumbled upon my muse accidentally, or through intentional or very deliberate processes, or simply by processing what I like and do not like to do, or through experiencing personal tragedy. I believe that searching for Muse o Mine is part of my life script and chapter. I also think that it is a form of modern questing. In this adventure, I do not pretend to have any definitive answers, magic formulas or award-winning storybook. I am simply a Designologista who is also looking, but who is willing to share parts of my discoveries and tales of my life. In essence, it is time to make friends with my inspirational muse…The Muse o Mine !

muse

“Where art tho, Muse o ma Creation”

In GOD, I trust and believe…It’s a blessed and bliss

To dearest Muse o ma Creation , Inspirational Muse o Mine…you move me and I do not know how to thank you that much…but you always have and always will be …the ONE that makes and colours the Insignias of Afiey… !

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Insignias of Afiey

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Insignias of Afiey…

IOA

Insignias of Afiey…

A life journal I have been contemplating all these years. My own personal long-awaited project is now officially Kick-Off…!!

I would not let blank pages intimidate me.

I shall begin with gripping and get going with it. Will show it and breathe life into it with colours, trivia, and details and guide you through to feel it…Will jog my memory by digging up my yesterdays, checking some of my worn diaries and vintage pictures…Will play detective, asking my close clans for reminiscences and nostalgias.

It will be purely me as perfectly imperfect, flawed and wonderful at the same time, simply human you will relate.

My prose probably is awkward, not right and not important enough. It might take days, months or years. Hope all is well and I will do it, keep writing until I get it just right!

In the name of GOD and with HIS willing…It begins with Blessed !!

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2013…

2013

2013

Beginning is a new Ending

Achieving is a new Believing

Evolution is a new Resolution

Realization is a new Consideration

Accomplish is a new Practice

Objective is a new Perspective

Power is a new Endeavor

Starter is a new Surrender

May we all have a great 2013 Year…!

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Freedomination vs Freedepartion …

Freedomination vs Freedepartion

I just shared my serene moments in Sekeping Serendah with my close friends, my Hotstaz in my recent post. I have to say it again, it was a great outing and I had great time there.

As we all know, that place is in the forest, out of civilizations and coverage, no phone lines, no internet and not even a cable Tele…so in other words, I was cut from networks for almost 24 hours. I cannot check my calls, my mails, my FB updates, my Twitter tweets etc.

Few hours after I left the place… on the way back home, I got my phone line’s signal back. Without thinking so long, I logged in my FB and Iwas stunned to see my notification’s numbers. Huge numbers though!! I wondered what they are all about!

I went through one by one and mostly they were about the Hostaz’s Escape into the Wood event…pictures uploads, the likes, comments da da da…I giggled reading it until I saw one notification that struck me!!! The sad news about my beloved teacher,…Pn. Nor Bibi.

Owh my dear Lord…She passed away yesterday…on the same day I was with my friends enjoying the great time in the woods and she left us !!! I was so so sad with the news…no words can explain how I feel at that time…I just burst into tears!!

Pn. Nor Bibi was so dear to me. She is my teacher …not just an ordinary teacher, a great warm hearted teacher in fact. To me, she is more like a mother and I even called he “Ibu”…*a mother in Bahasa. She taught me and my friend when I was sixteen – seventeen years old, in a boarding schools- MRSM – Mara Juniour Sience School in Kelantan.

We were still in contact after I graduated from that school. Last I met her was during our 20th PPTL’90 alumni gathering last 2 years ago. She looked calm and cheerful as usual and we never knew that she was not well.
I just got to know she diagnosed with cancer recently and always followed up her daily notes and status in FB and she even more close to me when she knew that I am not well too. She gave me courages, strengths and always shared with me her words of wisdom. She even prays for my fast recovery…and yes, I do the same for her too. Together, we were and we are soldering and battling with our own war. Even though we are not seeing each other, she is always in my heart!

The thing that really touched me was… I was not able to visit her in the hospital when I went back hometown, 3 days for Eid ul Fitr celebration, where the hospital was recently. Time was so short and just nice for visiting my family and my cousin’s weeding.  3 days in paper but actual fact, it was only a day for me. Another 2 days was basically for travelling.

I know, she wanted to see me… me too in fact, but it was not meant to be. Forgive me my Lord, Forgive me Ibu…If only I wish I could turn back the time; I am surely will see you. But now, you have gone to a better place…in HIS good hands…I will keep praying for you and will always remember you. Thank you, Ibu for all your loves, thoughts and guidance. I love you and I will continue the battle and will never stop. May you Rest in Peace…Al Fateeha!

This is for you, Ibu…

In Good Hands…

In Good Hands…

In the hands of a gifted teacher
A classroom is a magical place
There’s a smile on each of us face

In the Hands of a Gifted Teacher
Creative Energy is everywhere
There’s a Catalyst who Genuinely Cares

In the Hands of a Gifted Teacher
Desire and Wonder is Awakened
The Educational Agenda is Shaken

In the Hands of a Gifted Teacher
Self-Management Skills are Modelled
The Best of Reality is Bottled

In the Hands of a Gifted Teacher
Our Talents are Refined
The Willed Future is Designed

In the Hands of a Gifted Teacher

Can groom every creation,

Can enhance every admiration,

The true inspiration,
Give us our right elevation,
Give us a chance to step in better generation,
With life is full of celebrations,
And now my gifted teacher has gone

To a better place to meet the ONE

After battled the fight with endurance and patience

Tolerates the pain with no complaints

 Will think about you day and night

Will pray for you as I go to bed

Thoughts of you are always in my head

May you rest in peace with HIS bless, exalts and consecrates…

Al Fateeha …Amin

…U.C / S.A / A.Z..

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Paradigm Shift…the Hijra

12th June 2012…

Early start of the day…had a warm shower, got ready and had a simple breakfast with my hubby. I am still on my medical leave and he has to take an emergency leave as he will be my ride of the day…;-))

Well, today we will be heading south to a place that practicing alternative treatment, which I think is primarily spiritual, faith-healing and prayers for the sickness – The Islamic treatment,  Darussyifa’.

Listen to your Heart

Cannot help myself but my heart is calling and I am listening…I know some people will say, why on earth do I have to waste my precious AF time to go there which I have already knew the answer and how to solve it. Yeah! True it is but sometime you have to aware of your feelings and let them guide you. Your feelings are there for a reason, so what I do is try to understand them, rather than try to suppress them.

Often we tend to make decisions based on what our logic tells us to do. But not everything in life is logical, and so to listen to your heart is about listening to your needs. When you feel something in your heart, there is always a message there. Sometimes this is in the form of a gut feeling or a hunch. So by listening to your heart can be most important when you need to make important life decisions where logic is not the issue, but where your own happiness and future are at stake.

In this case, I am listening to my heart and I know by going to that place…I will find something and I will feel much much better.

Darussyifa’

I reached there…a bungalow house located on a small hilly site facing the “surau”,  a small beautiful mosque. There were lots of cars parked by the road side in front of the bungalow…we walked in and saw so many people waiting at the lobby. I guess they must be walk-in patients. I was considered lucky though as I managed to speak with one “Ustaz” before I come and he set an appointment for me. So, cut all those hassles straight away we have been ushered inside to a treatment room.

It is a small room, just nice to fit 4 people actually but there are 3 chairs in there with one side cabinet, fully carpeted and quite chilly. I went in with my hubby. Sitting inside is the “Uztaz”, I belive that was the man I spoke on the phone and set the appointment before. He is “Ustaz”Asri, a decent old man in white cloth and white turban. He is actually the apprentice of the famous local “Ustaz”, which known as Y.Bhg Tuan Guru Dato’ Dr. Haron Din.

The procedure was pretty quick and simple and pretty alleviate too. Ustaz Asri just simply asked my full name and my mother’s name and what I am diagnosing with. He wrote them on a piece of paper in Arabic then he asked my hubby’s permission to touch the top of my head and recites some Quranic verses and Du’as *prayer of supplications. This is when I mentioned earlier that I felt alleviated. The verses and prayers somehow sounded so beautiful and I can feel a soft force of energy passing through my entire body…no words can explain that feeling but it was so overwhelming until I felt tears coming out from my left eye…a happy tears I must say…*Blessed

He continues his prayer of supplications and blessed the water in the bottle.We had a little chat and ended with an instruction for me to drink the blessed water *water that had been “ruqyah”, five times a day after recite few specific Quranic verses. The water can be refilled simply by adding drinking water as it is finishing. That’s It!

The overall experience at Darussyifa’ has changed my view about life. Now I learn that life is NOT just about WORK and LIFESTYLE. It is NOT just get up in the morning and go to work…work your AF ass off until late night, everyday every seconds, twenty-four seven. Work ’till you drop, which is what exactly happened to me. I took it for granted and lightly. I ignored my health and other important things in life as life is actually more than that.

5 balls juggler

Life is like juggling 5 balls, 1 of them is WORK that is always a rubber ball. It will surely bounce back if it drops. Another 4 of them are FAMILY, FRIENDS, HEALTH and SPIRIT. These 4 are always in glass balls, which once drop it shattered and never be the same. I feel I am not a great juggler as I was and I am only juggle the one rubber ball and keeping still the other 4 balls.

Life Changing

This overwhelmed visit really was an eye opener. Somehow, I realized I have been given another chance in life to change what is NOT right before it is too late. I realized that the capital HIM loves me so much by granted me this TEST for me to face it and solve it for the betterment. I realized it was actually a SIGN for me to STOP whatever I practice and START new all over again…O my Lord!! I have been touched by YOU…Thank you for showing me all these…Thank you indeed !

This is IT…It is a call for me to love HIM more… It is a new beginning of a NEW chapter in my LIFE…It is my Paradigm Shift…It is my Hijra…May HE shows me the light and leads me the way…! *Blessed

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“Winter is coming and it’s going to be a long one”…

“Winter is coming and it’s going to be a long one”…am I sounded like The Lady Catelyn Stark in The Game of Thrones…awww…;-P

The Lady Catelyn Stark – Game of Thrones

Seriously…Yeah! the WINTER is finally coming and it’s going to be a long COLD one…I need to be ready, prepare and stock up to stay warmer and alive…! Opps, hang on…Winter in Malaysia? Kind of like Winter Sonata?…Well, sort off a little. I actually mean it, seriously mean it…something is NOT so right with me and it will effected a lot of things and people around me…big time!!!.

Maybe some of you already knew and maybe some of you might notice that I have been a bit too quiet these past few months *via my Twitter and FB updates… and some might even be wondering what is going on with me lately.

Well, yeah…as my last blog updates, stopped at my doctor’s appointment on 6th June 2012.  That MRI Obit scan has actually changed my life in total. The moment I got the MRI scan results in my hand and the moment I was called to see the Radiologist, Dr. Hayati, the moment I stepped in her room…She straight away broke the news like in 5 seconds…”My dear, you have a serious condition …You have a Brain Tumour !!!” …I was like…WHHHAATTTT !!!  * My heart stopped and sat on her couch and stunned!!!

MRI result...

MRI result…

Worst still, I was there alone…exhausted, scared, hungry, sad …all mix feeling in my tummy. First word that came out from my mouth…”Owh GOD! is this for real !!!” Dr. Norhayati kept talking to me…bla bla bla…but I do not really paid attention to her …my mind was everywhere. She saw me in shocked and straight away she held my hand and asked me to follow her. She wanted me to see someone that can help me. While walking up and down in the Hospital, she was on her mobile talking to someone that she was asking to see me…Immediately!!

Yeah people! I am….Yes! I am actually now struggling and soldiering with a serious condition, which I just discovered and which I first thought a minor sickness. However, it’s not and I am at the moment, focusing on taking steps into cure and further rehabilitation.

The fact is that I have been diagnosed with a “Tuberculum Sellae Meningioma” likely a Suprasellar Glicoma Tumour/ Brain Tumour with the size about 3cm diameter now …It’s grows behind both my eyes and it has grown in such a size that is affected my optical nerves that is limiting my eyesight to only 30-40% visibility. The growth is also moving up towards my brain & in consequence, I might suffer partial blindness and severe headaches.

Fair to say that it is quite serious but thanks GOD, it is noncancerous  and curable via Open Surgery or Biopsy. So far, open surgery would be my last option. My families and me are now considering alternative treatments as our initial way forward.

For personal reasons, I chose to reveal this information in here as I think it’s important that people around me know and aware with what is going on with me and at the same time have an awareness toward Brain Tumour too. Another part of my personal reasons is to seek forgiveness *if there is any and just in case. We do not know what is going to be happened next, right!!

From 6th June 2012, I was officially registered as a patient in KPJ Damansara Specialist Hospital and been observed under one of the top Neurosurgeon Specialist in the town, Dr Zurin…which was that “Someone” that Dr. Norhayati was talking on the phone before. He was actually on leave on that day and rushed back to the Hospital just to see me and went through in details the MRI scans result. Thank GOD, my darling husband arrived about the same time with Dr. Zurin and he was still in a blank, no idea with what actually happen. In a few minutes, he was explained by Dr. Zurin and as expected, he was shocked!!!

I did asked Dr, Zurin, what actually caused it and how long has it been inside my head and grown in such size? There’s no exact answer and reason what and why it was there. He predicted, it has been in there maybe since I was born and triggered and grown maybe since last 3-4 years. He added possibility due to hormonal imbalance, overstressed, environment, radioactive etc. It can be anything…Yeah, maybe…I was over worked for almost forever and I guess that was IT!!

I am grateful to see Dr. Zurin as he is a very calm and warm hearted person. Talking to him makes me feel better even though the news were huge and a shocker to me. My husband somehow calmed himself down too. We discussed about few options and plans to cure. The best is via open surgery / Biopsy, which costs me approximately 50K. *excluded other side cost…I was like, ermmm, okay…that’s a BIG BUCKS there. I need to do loads-loads research and reading after this. It’s a life changing stuff here and what I have to go through soon is going to flip my life like 360 degrees.

I was then prescribed with minimal dosage Steroid base controlled drugs in order to protect my optical nerve from further damages and instructed me to take a break from work, taking medical leave for two weeks and set a new appointment to see him again for further check up on 11th June 2012.

My total hours spent in the hospitals that day was about 8 hours, which was from 2pm until 10pm at night. I went back home to my daughter and gave her a big bear hug with lots of kisses. My heart crushed as I really do not know how to tell her. I just hold on to it and wait for the best moment to explain to her and to the rest of my family too.

Sheryl-Crow

Ironically, what happened to me on 6th June was the same day the news came out on local newspaper about the singer, Sheryl Crow, which was diagnosed with the same symptom, a Brain Tumour and it was 2 days before today…the World Brain Tumour Day – June 8th…!

World Brain Tumour Day – 8th June 2012

For the time being, I just stay calm and positive…take it easy…trying my very best gathering all my strengths and energies to move forward…Surrounding myself with beloved families and friends, makes me feel much much better…I am blessed to have such caring and loving peoples around me…!

As my friends and my husband always believe in me…”I am a tough cookie and I am a real Fighter… I will never never give up easily…That’s for sure !!!”

O GOD, grant me strength to stay stronger, grant me strength to face this obstacle…ameen !!

The battle continues….

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