It was dark…totally pitch black !
Sight in the first blink of my eyes; just after the 8 hours of my Brain Tumour Pterional Craniotomy Surgery…terrified, panicked, freaked-out; whatchamacallit…I was DOOMED…game over!_My mind ticked !!
Deep breathing with a little prayer and hope…after few blinks, there it goes, ray of light started to peep in with familiar images started to visualized. I recognized them…Yeah, I can see….Yeah, I CAN SEE !
GOD is Great,I am blessed !
#throwback_18th September 2012
Light at the end of the tunnel…
There’s what I always think it is. Hoping this chaos, this convoluted mess, web of confusion, this pit of darkness; somehow something good will come out of it. Miracles happen to help make sense of the battle, the turmoil, the pain, the exhaustion. One thing that all these series of unfortunate events did to me was bring out my personality totally to the full force.
Using this moment, an absolute the turning point, to rebuild, refocus and realize what this new life is all about. Ruminate and reminisce…it’s sad that I have not taken priority in the earlier stage this blues and fuelled it into this vibrant, energetic, motivated and inspired me. Instead I mope and feel weakness pulsating through every vessel. I do not over-share in the beginning because I do not think anyone will understand. Instead it manifests into more sorrow and an overflow of exhaustion. Gosh!!
Have I cried enough? … Well, I cannot recall but yeah…Yes, in my own way.
Do I think I am a burden to my partner? …Yes and so so Yes !
Am I selfish? … A little bit Yes !
Do I feel pressure to have moved on already? …Totally Yes !
Am I different? …Absolutely Yes !
Am I lucky? …Probably Yes !
I want to wipe away all the anguish and just feel better. I am so want to have a good day in each every single day. Everything now starts with “Ever since I survived…,” there is that cloud, this moment of grasping for air and trying to understand how to cope, reflect and stand up. This is a new beginning. Dealing with few major unfortunate events in life forces every vein in my well-being to face my real self, my identity, everything I knew …All of me !
With Almighty GOD gifts and loves, with a simple and adequate upbringing, with a good mixing blood in me, a true-true Scorpion that I have always been; had very powerful feelings about things and an ability to be able to feel so much love towards people, but at the same time can hurt me like crazy. That is something that I have needed mentoring on, and that I have had to grow into. I have to keep moving forward, venture to a new career path, renew faith in self, to recommence romance, a growing family, a totally new life…?
Answer is…I evolve to a better person than I was before…
I found ways to heal mind, body, spirit and soul, but never healed my heart. The biggest thing I have learned in this round of reinvention after the Brain Tumour and Cancer is the importance of Self-Love. My perceived faults were never flaws, nor even mistakes. Embracing that helped me to accept all that I am, and all that others are as well. I cannot fully love, forgive, or embrace others until I can do the same for myself. I have finally managed to decouple these people I have loved from the matrix of post-traumatic stress triggers, simply by choosing to love them again. That trapped child within has finally been released, and is free to just Love again….Love conquers all…Love Life !
New life resurrection…
It’s all started when I took a chance and decided to solely in charge to develop the interior design of an International corporate office based in Malaysia just after my remission. At first I thought it was just a same old typical job that I have done before. But, it started to develop during my site visit, first time I saw this 16 foot tall colourful human sculpture titled “Togetherness” at the site main entrance of the prestige building in the heart of Kuala Lumpur City Centre, The Platinum Park. It perceives “LOVE” to me. I was moved by how powerfully yet simply it represented how I have felt about one too many people over past years. Some might say the sculpture represents people’s egos, pride, and resentment. Allowing pain to persist when people are unwilling or unable to resolve bad situations with each other even though deep inside; the inner side of me is reaching out towards the other with LOVE.
People, Process and Progress…
The positive vibes and energy from the sculpture then transferred to the people. I had been introduced to the team member of the job, which very interesting as much as I learn about them and the more I interacted with them, I realized I was thrilled to work closely with this amazing team. Ranging from the Client-Customer, the Leader and the Manager to the Builder; each of them has a good personality quality and interesting character, are very much in tune with each other, has a great sense of team spirit, believes in their purpose, and runs the operation and shift without a formal leader in the middle of things. We have a “shared philosophy” and I must admit and put in word that…this is the first time ever I feel, I have worked in a whole and comprehensively accomplished.
Throughout the process, we challenged, questioned, resolved conflicts, and argued. As a result, we left with specific plans and commitments to develop into a success results. The hard work and effort paid off as I became known as “the star” of the project and singled out as “special” compared to my other few hundreds jobs. I was motivated by the positive attention, the empowerment, and the pride that goes along with being the best. As a result of this experience, it is clear the team developed out of a clear understanding to compete against the goal instead of each other. We stayed self-driven and self-directed as a result of being allowed to become more than our “individual selves”.
To self-accomplish, after all I realized and learn that I finally found the precious thing that I have lost; MY LIFE ! Been surrounded with great people from different background and different practises with positive vibes somehow boosted the serotonin in me and precisely there was ONE and still is ONE particular amazingly inspiring that just make me smile again and most importantly…bring my life back! Thank you !
In the progress, now I fully aware that life is short so why make it shorter as I can make it sweeter. I will do as much as I can to fulfil those many blanks in my life. Continuously I will…
…”Preserve the existence; conserve the possession…Quest of ventures; Pursuit of Endeavours”…
Clock ticked and ready to be unstuck…
After few months of joyride, the project finally reached the completion then again here I am…the melancholia triggered. Sadden but there is always the beginning of each ending. I was up there for a while and back to down here once more time. That is life that I have to leave in…always resentment to contentment; pressure to pleasure;hostility to serenity…that I cannot allow myself to be under the line again…Never again. I must find the remedy to the catastrophe, seeking for opportunities, booked the flight ticket and enjoy the journey. Damn it…what a roller coaster ride!
Teasing my mind to arouse my creativity…
….”Where art thou, Muse o ma creation…”
Like all things I really want in my life, sometimes I just need to reprogram the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to support what I want to move into a creative mindset. Really, that is the gist of it.
Again, deep breathing with a little prayer and hope…I lie back, relax and take pleasure in exploring few provocative ways to arouse my creativity. Count my blessings and spend time with love ones and LOVE MY MIND…Start pursuing my free writing, write from a real me and WRITE MY MIND or write craps…Get away from the computer, take my pencil, my sketchbook and SKETCH MY MIND…Listen to new sound, new music and SING MY MIND… Meet new people from different walks of life, strike up a conversation in any way and SPEAK MY MIND…Do something that makes me happy; that brings me joy; that make me feel loved; that centers me and FEEL MY MIND…Be in the moment or I call this ‘being in the zone‘ and BE MY MIND !
These are all muses to me…maybe a living or non-living…pursuit or activity…active or reflective, but it is important to me because it has potential to heal, inspire, motivate, uplift, and reveal me. In my fast paced creative world, the muse often becomes the island of solace and becomes a very necessary part of my inner creativity growth and the evolution of myself.
I may have stumbled upon my muse accidentally, or through intentional or very deliberate processes, or simply by processing what I like and do not like to do, or through experiencing personal tragedy. I believe that searching for Muse o Mine is part of my life script and chapter. I also think that it is a form of modern questing. In this adventure, I do not pretend to have any definitive answers, magic formulas or award-winning storybook. I am simply a Designologista who is also looking, but who is willing to share parts of my discoveries and tales of my life. In essence, it is time to make friends with my inspirational muse…The Muse o Mine !
In GOD, I trust and believe…It’s a blessed and bliss
To dearest Muse o ma Creation , Inspirational Muse o Mine…you move me and I do not know how to thank you that much…but you always have and always will be …the ONE that makes and colours the Insignias of Afiey… !