Monthly Archives: September 2016

Muse o Mine


Pitch Black

It was dark…totally pitch black !

Sight in the first blink of my eyes; just after the 8 hours of my Brain Tumour Pterional Craniotomy Surgery…terrified, panicked, freaked-out; whatchamacallit…I was DOOMED…game over!_My mind ticked !!

Deep breathing with a little prayer and hope…after few blinks, there it goes, ray of light started to peep in with familiar images started to visualized. I recognized them…Yeah, I can see….Yeah, I CAN SEE !

GOD is Great,I am blessed !
#throwback_18th September 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel…

There’s what I always think it is.  Hoping this chaos, this convoluted mess, web of confusion, this pit of darkness; somehow something good will come out of it. Miracles happen to help make sense of the battle, the turmoil, the pain, the exhaustion. One thing that all these series of unfortunate events did to me was bring out my personality totally to the full force.


Using this moment, an absolute the turning point, to rebuild, refocus and realize what this new life is all about. Ruminate and reminisce…it’s sad that I have not taken priority in the earlier stage this blues and fuelled it into this vibrant, energetic, motivated and inspired me. Instead I mope and feel weakness pulsating through every vessel. I do not over-share in the beginning because I do not think anyone will understand. Instead it manifests into more sorrow and an overflow of exhaustion. Gosh!!

Have I cried enough? … Well, I cannot recall but yeah…Yes, in my own way.

Do I think I am a burden to my partner? …Yes and so so Yes !

Am I selfish? … A little bit Yes !

Do I feel pressure to have moved on already? …Totally Yes !

Am I different? …Absolutely Yes !

Am I lucky? …Probably Yes !

I want to wipe away all the anguish and just feel better. I am so want to have a good day in each every single day. Everything now starts with “Ever since I survived…,” there is that cloud, this moment of grasping for air and trying to understand how to cope, reflect and stand up. This is a new beginning. Dealing with few major unfortunate events in life forces every vein in my well-being to face my real self, my identity, everything I knew …All of me !

With Almighty GOD gifts and loves, with a simple and adequate upbringing, with a good mixing blood in me, a true-true Scorpion that I have always been;  had very powerful feelings about things and an ability to be able to feel so much love towards people, but at the same time can hurt me like crazy. That is something that I have needed mentoring on, and that I have had to grow into. I have to keep moving forward, venture to a new career path, renew faith in self, to recommence romance, a growing family, a totally new life…?

Answer is…I evolve to a better person than I was before…

I found ways to heal mind, body, spirit and soul, but never healed my heart. The biggest thing I have learned in this round of reinvention after the Brain Tumour and Cancer is the importance of Self-Love. My perceived faults were never flaws, nor even mistakes. Embracing that helped me to accept all that I am, and all that others are as well. I cannot fully love, forgive, or embrace others until I can do the same for myself. I have finally managed to decouple these people I have loved from the matrix of post-traumatic stress triggers, simply by choosing to love them again. That trapped child within has finally been released, and is free to just Love again….Love conquers all…Love Life !


“Togetherness – L.O.V.E “

New life resurrection…

It’s all started when I took a chance and decided to solely in charge to develop the interior design of an International corporate office based in Malaysia just after my remission. At first I thought it was just a same old typical job that I have done before. But, it started to develop during my site visit, first time I saw this 16 foot tall colourful human sculpture titled “Togetherness” at the site main entrance of the prestige building in the heart of Kuala Lumpur City Centre, The Platinum Park. It perceives “LOVE” to me. I was moved by how powerfully yet simply it represented how I have felt about one too many people over past years. Some might say the sculpture represents people’s egos, pride, and resentment. Allowing pain to persist when people are unwilling or unable to resolve bad situations with each other even though deep inside; the inner side of me is reaching out towards the other with LOVE.

People, Process and Progress…

The positive vibes and energy from the sculpture then transferred to the people. I had been introduced to the team member of the job, which very interesting as much as I learn about them and the more I interacted with them, I realized I was thrilled to work closely with this amazing team. Ranging from the Client-Customer, the Leader and the Manager to the Builder; each of them has a good personality quality and interesting character, are very much in tune with each other, has a great sense of team spirit, believes in their purpose, and runs the operation and shift without a formal leader in the middle of things. We have a “shared philosophy” and I must admit and put in word that…this is the first time ever I feel, I have worked in a whole and comprehensively accomplished.


The People


The Project

Throughout the process, we challenged, questioned, resolved conflicts, and argued. As a result, we left with specific plans and commitments to develop into a success results. The hard work and effort paid off as I became known as “the star” of the project and singled out as “special” compared to my other few hundreds jobs. I was motivated by the positive attention, the empowerment, and the pride that goes along with being the best. As a result of this experience, it is clear the team developed out of a clear understanding to compete against the goal instead of each other. We stayed self-driven and self-directed as a result of being allowed to become more than our “individual selves”.


One of All

To self-accomplish, after all I realized and learn that I finally found the precious thing that I have lost; MY LIFE !  Been surrounded with great people from different background and different practises with positive vibes somehow boosted the serotonin in me and precisely there was ONE and still is ONE particular amazingly inspiring that just make me smile again and most importantly…bring my life back! Thank you !

In the progress, now I fully aware that life is short so why make it shorter as I can make it sweeter. I will do as much as I can to fulfil those many blanks in my life. Continuously I will…

…”Preserve the existence; conserve the possession…Quest of ventures; Pursuit of Endeavours”…

Clock ticked and ready to be unstuck…

After few months of joyride, the project finally reached the completion then again here I am…the melancholia triggered. Sadden but there is always the beginning of each ending. I was up there for a while and back to down here once more time. That is life that I have to leave in…always resentment to contentment; pressure to pleasure;hostility to serenity…that I cannot allow myself to be under the line again…Never again. I must find the remedy to the catastrophe, seeking for opportunities, booked the flight ticket and enjoy the journey. Damn it…what a roller coaster ride!

Teasing my mind to arouse my creativity…

                                   ….”Where art thou, Muse o ma creation…”

Like all things I really want in my life, sometimes I just need to reprogram the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to support what I want to move into a creative mindset. Really, that is the gist of it.

Again, deep breathing with a little prayer and hope…I lie back, relax and take pleasure in exploring few provocative ways to arouse my creativity. Count my blessings and spend time with love ones and LOVE MY MIND…Start pursuing my free writing, write from a real me and WRITE MY MIND or write craps…Get away from the computer, take my pencil, my sketchbook and SKETCH MY MIND…Listen to new sound, new music and SING MY MIND… Meet new people from different walks of life, strike up a conversation in any way and SPEAK MY MIND…Do something that makes me happy; that brings me joy; that make me feel loved; that centers me and FEEL MY MIND…Be in the moment or I call this ‘being in the zone‘ and BE MY MIND !

These are all muses to me…maybe a living or non-living…pursuit or activity…active or reflective, but it is important to me because it has potential to heal, inspire, motivate, uplift, and reveal me. In my fast paced creative world, the muse often becomes the island of solace and becomes a very necessary part of my inner creativity growth and the evolution of myself.

I may have stumbled upon my muse accidentally, or through intentional or very deliberate processes, or simply by processing what I like and do not like to do, or through experiencing personal tragedy. I believe that searching for Muse o Mine is part of my life script and chapter. I also think that it is a form of modern questing. In this adventure, I do not pretend to have any definitive answers, magic formulas or award-winning storybook. I am simply a Designologista who is also looking, but who is willing to share parts of my discoveries and tales of my life. In essence, it is time to make friends with my inspirational muse…The Muse o Mine !


“Where art tho, Muse o ma Creation”

In GOD, I trust and believe…It’s a blessed and bliss

To dearest Muse o ma Creation , Inspirational Muse o Mine…you move me and I do not know how to thank you that much…but you always have and always will be …the ONE that makes and colours the Insignias of Afiey… !


Insignias of Afiey

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I want my life back …

Knock Knock…I am backkkk !

It has been so quiet in here since my last post, which I remembered it was the starting moment of my life with 12 cycles AVBD Chemotherapy regimens… the Hodgkin Lymphoma Cancer and my new born baby Arie.

But then, before I have transformed to a Lady Lymphoma…I was once a Lady Meningioma -the lady with stuff in her head.

“Are you ready my dear” my neurosurgeon asked me before we departed to the surgery theatre. That was the most terrifying thing to hear for a woman that about to cut her skull out and dug her brain in and messed with her pretty face…I was referring to my significant momentous exactly on this date, today 18th September four years back in year 2012.

Yaay !! Happy 4th years anniversary Lady Meningioma…what a great 4 years I have been living as a Brain Tumour survivor. I am blessed and may more great years to come. Some may think I was damn lucky to be alive, yeah probably true though but actual fact it was devastated, petrified and hopelessly miserable life after all. I have to live that kind of life to the fullest with fake smile on my face, just to feel good to myself. It was hard but that’s life that I have to live in.

I did almost whatever it takes to have my life back and GOD is great, I conceived – being pregnant again after my first, 12 years back. Wow! What a miracle. With the new life growing in me, somehow it amazingly gave me such incredible strengths for me to stay alive.


GOD gives HIS hardest Battles to HIS strongest Soldiers…

Yes ! I knew HE never stops loving me. I thank you Almighty ALLAH for chosen me for the second time to fight another battle, to face the exaggerated mythos – the Death Sentence of the infamous tell-tale disease called the Big C a.k.a CANCER. To be exact, I diagnosed with Stage 2 Hodgkin Lymphoma Cancer, 2 months just after I gave birth to my miracle baby, Baby Arie. No doubt, I feel loved but at the same time I was so crushed and it scares the hell out of me.

 “Congratulation! You are now free,” my haematology doctor announced to me the magical word accompanied with the piece of paper in his hand. That was the most beautiful sound for a lady soldier of the hardest battle to hear. I thought I was dreaming so I pinched hard my not so chubby cheek back then…It was all real and he was referring to the result of my PET-CT Scan that I had on August 15th, 2015, Interpretation written was “No scan evidence of active lymphoma” _ a gateway for the dozens of rounds of chemotherapy, drugs and white blood booster that have entered my body since I became the Lady Lymphoma. Another coincident significant momentous, happened exactly on this date, today 18th September last year, 2015.

I love a good pun, but I was not in the mood for laughter or lightness that day. After half years of cancer treatment, I no longer needed to be trapped 8 hours in a cold day-care centre for the Chemo regimes. My doctor had finally pronounced me in remission. I had thought I’d want to celebrate or do the jiggy dance but it did not feel anything like the end-game I had imagined. I just want to hug my two girls.


Ally & Arie

It took me a while to accept the fact that I was once a cancer patient. Then, for a while, I was only that: A cancer patient that now done with treatments, I am struggling to figure out who I am. On paper, I am better: I no longer have cancer, and with every passing day I am getting stronger. The constant flood of doctor’s appointments, blood tests and phone calls, supports from concerned family and friends have trickled to a slow drip. But off paper, I feel far from being a healthy 42-year-old woman.

My disease has left countless invisible imprints in its wake: infertility, premature menopause, a chronic skin condition, prolonged fatigue and a weakened immune system that sends me to clinics on a regular basis. And that’s just the short list. Then there are the demons of depression and the fears of relapse that sneaks into my head just when I think I have gotten a grip. The rattle of a cough in my chest, strange bruises and soreness on my both arms, missed call from my haematologist…Each of these triggers rips me out of my fragile, new reality leaving me to wonder: What happens if the Big C comes back? Will I ever feel normal again? And most daunting of all, how do I move forward with my life?

Sharing about all of this has not come easily to me. It is hard not to speak in clichés about the BIg C a.k.a Cancer. It can be even harder not to feel as if I have to live up to those clichés. I sometimes feel a deep sense of guilt for not doing a better job of making lemonade out of metaphorical lemons. I know that I am one of the lucky ones, and I am deeply thankful to be back kicking alive…

In writing about the problems I am facing now, I worry about sounding ungrateful — or worse yet, insensitive to my cancer fighter friends in the cancer community who may never go into remission. These fears colour the unexpected challenges that emerge during life after cancer, and can overwhelm the need to talk about them. After all, I am supposed to be better. So why don’t I feel better?



Is’t it ironic? I was strong in the beginning of my new battle…the 2 weeks stay in hospital -warded for the biopsy tests and check-ups was kind of peculiar. I have so much energy that I have to channel out…so I talked to almost all doctors, nurses, patients and even clean ladies on that floor. I made my bed in every hours, I visited all rooms to say “hello”, I had a cold shower at 5am in every morning and 11pm every night, I giggled to myself while brushing my teeth, I write , I sing…loads more…must be the “Dexa” after effects: the steroid based drugs that I took. Somehow, it ticked my anxiety but in a good way.

My misery anecdotes start to kick-off once I first tasted my 1st half of my 1st Cycle ABVD Chemo. First look, they were just few bottles of varies colour liquid base drips: harmless I thought. The A – Red colour Adriamychin drips was okay, then comes the B – Bleomychin and the V- Vinblastine…both injected straight to my veins and they were okay too…finally the D: Devilish Dacarbazine: the one that burnt and took the longest hours…worst still its nauseatic.

I felt like jello after the Chemo session. I saw spinning stars, dragged both my feet, I felt numb, cant taste my food, can’t be near to my Baby Arie, worst still: I can’t event hold her…Miserable!  I lost a lot of weight and my hair dropped in bulked…in overall I looked horrible…I even felt like I was a walker in the Walking Dead !…that bad !!!



Half way through the cycle, I manage to overcome the fear. I went to shave my head; I juice up myself clean with fresh fruits and vege: eating fully cooked food, continuing my yoga routine, mix around with positive people, started to design again and thinks happy thoughts. It was hard but the harder the better.




Last Chemo Shout Out

Finally, it came to the end.  I finished my last cycle of ABVD chemotherapy, in July 13th, 2015, friends and family congratulated me on being “done.” What they could not know was that in some ways the hardest part of my cancer experience began once the IT was gone.

The first month after I finished the cycle unfolded like a circus of horrors. I suffered with chronic skin disorder, inflammation with burning sensation on my skin on my fingers, my arms, my legs and thighs. It is periodic, fiery redness of my effected skin and shedding of scales exposed the epidermis. This was so uncomfortable and at times disfiguring skin disorder can be difficult and frustrating to treat. I went to see skin specialist and doctors and always ended up with loads of antiseptic cream and balm. Living my life-threatening skin disorder I caught because of my weakened immune system. My relationship with my husband of coming to 20 years together almost destructed and came to an end. We are lucky to have our two girls that bond us and keep us moving forward. After 3 months on medications and own treatment, I came across the Gluten sensitivity and Gluten intolerance knowledge. Probably I have the similar symptom and why not just give it a try…So; I decided to officially go on a Gluten Free Living. To cut it short…my skin is now back to normal: even better than before. It is like a baby skin, smooth and glowing…I am loving it and feel so blessed .

To conclude, while in treatment, I had been surrounded by the world’s best army: my supportive family and friends and a brilliant medical team who had worked tirelessly to keep me alive. The goal had been to cure the cancer. Now that I had survived the “cut, poison, burn” of the disease, I no longer had the cavalry running after me. Suddenly, I found myself standing dazed and alone in the rubble, wondering what had happened and where everyone had gone…I feel like, I no longer wanted to be anyone’s inspiration.

I am not alone in feeling this way. A growing body of evidence suggests that cancer survivors continue to struggle with medical, financial, professional and psychosocial issues long after the end of the cancer treatment. It is a life changing 360 degrees. The experience provides a renewed sense of life and purpose, but the task of rebuilding life after something as devastating as cancer can also be a deeply disorienting and destabilizing one.

I have learned since the day of my diagnosis that the big C affects all of me…There was no aspect of my life that was not torn apart as my body was literally torn apart. In my case, after my treatment ended, I experienced issues that were more intense and more debilitating than I’d ever experienced before in my life.


Illness as Metaphor

But she does not talk about this no man’s land that exists between the two kingdoms, inhabited by people like me who are neither sick nor well. It is a different kind of deportation than the one the surgeon was referring to: It’s a journey into the wilderness of survivor-ship.

This time I am finding that there are no protocols or discharge instructions, no roadmap or 12-step plans to guide me back to the kingdom of the well. The road back is going to be my own way. The way with long-term survival kit of a new challenge: How to stay healthy and emotionally stable after treatment ends….To live life to the max and to get my life back on track…


To live Live to the Max and to get My Life Back !


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