Monthly Archives: June 2012

Paradigm Shift…the Hijra

12th June 2012…

Early start of the day…had a warm shower, got ready and had a simple breakfast with my hubby. I am still on my medical leave and he has to take an emergency leave as he will be my ride of the day…;-))

Well, today we will be heading south to a place that practicing alternative treatment, which I think is primarily spiritual, faith-healing and prayers for the sickness – The Islamic treatment,  Darussyifa’.

Listen to your Heart

Cannot help myself but my heart is calling and I am listening…I know some people will say, why on earth do I have to waste my precious AF time to go there which I have already knew the answer and how to solve it. Yeah! True it is but sometime you have to aware of your feelings and let them guide you. Your feelings are there for a reason, so what I do is try to understand them, rather than try to suppress them.

Often we tend to make decisions based on what our logic tells us to do. But not everything in life is logical, and so to listen to your heart is about listening to your needs. When you feel something in your heart, there is always a message there. Sometimes this is in the form of a gut feeling or a hunch. So by listening to your heart can be most important when you need to make important life decisions where logic is not the issue, but where your own happiness and future are at stake.

In this case, I am listening to my heart and I know by going to that place…I will find something and I will feel much much better.

Darussyifa’

I reached there…a bungalow house located on a small hilly site facing the “surau”,  a small beautiful mosque. There were lots of cars parked by the road side in front of the bungalow…we walked in and saw so many people waiting at the lobby. I guess they must be walk-in patients. I was considered lucky though as I managed to speak with one “Ustaz” before I come and he set an appointment for me. So, cut all those hassles straight away we have been ushered inside to a treatment room.

It is a small room, just nice to fit 4 people actually but there are 3 chairs in there with one side cabinet, fully carpeted and quite chilly. I went in with my hubby. Sitting inside is the “Uztaz”, I belive that was the man I spoke on the phone and set the appointment before. He is “Ustaz”Asri, a decent old man in white cloth and white turban. He is actually the apprentice of the famous local “Ustaz”, which known as Y.Bhg Tuan Guru Dato’ Dr. Haron Din.

The procedure was pretty quick and simple and pretty alleviate too. Ustaz Asri just simply asked my full name and my mother’s name and what I am diagnosing with. He wrote them on a piece of paper in Arabic then he asked my hubby’s permission to touch the top of my head and recites some Quranic verses and Du’as *prayer of supplications. This is when I mentioned earlier that I felt alleviated. The verses and prayers somehow sounded so beautiful and I can feel a soft force of energy passing through my entire body…no words can explain that feeling but it was so overwhelming until I felt tears coming out from my left eye…a happy tears I must say…*Blessed

He continues his prayer of supplications and blessed the water in the bottle.We had a little chat and ended with an instruction for me to drink the blessed water *water that had been “ruqyah”, five times a day after recite few specific Quranic verses. The water can be refilled simply by adding drinking water as it is finishing. That’s It!

The overall experience at Darussyifa’ has changed my view about life. Now I learn that life is NOT just about WORK and LIFESTYLE. It is NOT just get up in the morning and go to work…work your AF ass off until late night, everyday every seconds, twenty-four seven. Work ’till you drop, which is what exactly happened to me. I took it for granted and lightly. I ignored my health and other important things in life as life is actually more than that.

5 balls juggler

Life is like juggling 5 balls, 1 of them is WORK that is always a rubber ball. It will surely bounce back if it drops. Another 4 of them are FAMILY, FRIENDS, HEALTH and SPIRIT. These 4 are always in glass balls, which once drop it shattered and never be the same. I feel I am not a great juggler as I was and I am only juggle the one rubber ball and keeping still the other 4 balls.

Life Changing

This overwhelmed visit really was an eye opener. Somehow, I realized I have been given another chance in life to change what is NOT right before it is too late. I realized that the capital HIM loves me so much by granted me this TEST for me to face it and solve it for the betterment. I realized it was actually a SIGN for me to STOP whatever I practice and START new all over again…O my Lord!! I have been touched by YOU…Thank you for showing me all these…Thank you indeed !

This is IT…It is a call for me to love HIM more… It is a new beginning of a NEW chapter in my LIFE…It is my Paradigm Shift…It is my Hijra…May HE shows me the light and leads me the way…! *Blessed

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Wassup Doc…?

11th June 2012…

Wassup Doc?… Meet up with you again Dr. Zurin…! That’s my 4th check up on my progress and to discuss further on my treatment plan.

I went to KPJ Damansara Specialist Hospital first thing in the morning hoping to meet Dr. Zurin early but I was wrong! There were 5 patients before me and I have to wait for my turn. On my waiting momentous, I met a few patients and have a great chat with them…so inspiring. It’s good to know that I was not alone and in fact, some of them suffered far worse than me. I feel so blessed and touched and my heart ticked again…what happened to me was not so bad after all…It’s just a little test from the capital HIM and I believe HE must loves me…*Bless

I heard my name was called *finally…after waited for about two hours. At first thought, I was going to be examined but it was just a casual discussion. I guess this session was more like to know each other better…kind of like building the trust and a comfort level. So far, Dr. Zurin gave me good impressions. I feel comfortable talking to him and sharing my point of thoughts. I would like to hold the procedure as I want to try alternative treatments and continue my medications. He respected my decision and understood and he somehow extended my medication. At the same time, he wanted me to do a lot of research on the Brain Tumour and understand it before I make up my mind. He set up my next appointment, which is on 25th June 2012.

After all, I’ve learned from my brother in-law that Dr. Zurin is actually my brother in-law’s close friend’s elder brother and he has a close connection with my hometown, the land of beauty and culture – Pasir Mas, Kelantan. At least, there’s chemistry right there… Great to know and what a relief!

So, 2 weeks period before the next check up…Lots to do, prepare and plan, I guess!!

Plan the Plan

First, I have to sort my financial plan and next will be my logistic plan and then will be my overall plan. I really feel a need to chill out somewhere to plan those plans.

Departure Lounge, Uptown

Departure Lounge was perfect, a cool eating spot with good food and good ambiance. We decided to settle my afternoon there and to make it a perfect one, I received a phone call from a friend and they happened to be around the corner and decided to drop by to make it merrier…;-))

Awesome Friends…;)

Friend in need is a friend indeed!! It was great talking to someone I know and shared my story a bit. At lease, we can bounce some ideas and true enough, they gave us some information on how to sort the financial part…Thank you guys, Syai’ and Fiyah. You are the star !! *Awesome

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Life must go on…Ally & Contract…!

Between days of my new condition discovery and my few coming doctor’s appointments…I have to stay positive and tying my very best to move forward. I will not let this thing hold me back especially my darling daughter’s happiness…Life must go on…!!

9th June 2012…

Ally has her Saturday dance class as usual but this time around, we were informed that Ally has been selected to join the Company’s dance group!! Awesome!!…That’s what Ally is aiming for – to be in the group…! Cant’s wait to tell her the great news after her class…;-)) *Excited !

Ally arching her way to the dance contract…;-)

“Ally…You’ve made it!…You are in the group!!!” What I heard from her was…”Really!!!…Yes Yes YEEESSSS !!!” Owh, how I love to see her smile and happy like that….*Bless!

Congrats my darling princess Ally in successfully winning a spot in the dance company.
I’ve never even HEARD of the word contract when I was your age and here you are signing contracts and making a career at only 10…We are so proud of you darling :)

Ally love to dance since she was 5. We never taught that she can dance not just dance the dance though…I mean really dance well. I realized when she started move her head and body to the beat of a song when she was still a baby. At first I thought that’s normal baby’s behaviour, so I just love watching her doing that.

One day, when she was 5, her kindergarten’s teacher informed me that she will be performing for the graduation show. I was thinking, yeah okay, it will be like a typical kiddies show…sing some kiddies songs…Baba Black Sheep or Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars. So okay, that’s easy. Ally will enjoy it for sure.

On the show day, me and husband went there with no expectation. Ally as usual, has dolled up to the max. There you go…shows after shows, from kids year 3, then year 4…then I heard an announcement “it’s now, we present you a special dance performance from year 5 for the song “The Button by Pussycat Doll”…Then I saw Ally came out from the side curtain…swinging her small cute hips and standing at the centre of the big stage. Then came a cute boy walked toward her in a beat. Gosh! Ally has a dance partner!!…How sweet! Then, more cute couples came out and danced behind their back.

When the song hit the chorus part the dance moves got hotter and truly, I was so amazed. She danced like a pro, completely with the beat and flawless. The whole crowd in the hall were cheering at them and yeah! They had the biggest applause of the day!

Finally, the show was over and I went to get her to go home…I can see happiness from her face and she asked me…”How was it mama?”…I gave her a big hugs and kissed on her cheek…”You did great love…I didn’t know you can dance very well !!!” All teachers and other parent came to us, congratulated us and kept saying that Ally has a bright future in dancing….”She can really move, you should send her to a dance class” *Happy n Proud!!

So, yeah!! I took that advice and here we are…Ally is now officially sealed a year contract with “Sole to soul Dance Studio”

Sole to Soul Dance Studio

Yeah Ally…Let’s celebrate babeh…and we have the best cupcakes and pastas ever at WM…xoxo!!

Wonder Milk…Best cuppies n pastas ever…;)

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“Winter is coming and it’s going to be a long one”…

“Winter is coming and it’s going to be a long one”…am I sounded like The Lady Catelyn Stark in The Game of Thrones…awww…;-P

The Lady Catelyn Stark – Game of Thrones

Seriously…Yeah! the WINTER is finally coming and it’s going to be a long COLD one…I need to be ready, prepare and stock up to stay warmer and alive…! Opps, hang on…Winter in Malaysia? Kind of like Winter Sonata?…Well, sort off a little. I actually mean it, seriously mean it…something is NOT so right with me and it will effected a lot of things and people around me…big time!!!.

Maybe some of you already knew and maybe some of you might notice that I have been a bit too quiet these past few months *via my Twitter and FB updates… and some might even be wondering what is going on with me lately.

Well, yeah…as my last blog updates, stopped at my doctor’s appointment on 6th June 2012.  That MRI Obit scan has actually changed my life in total. The moment I got the MRI scan results in my hand and the moment I was called to see the Radiologist, Dr. Hayati, the moment I stepped in her room…She straight away broke the news like in 5 seconds…”My dear, you have a serious condition …You have a Brain Tumour !!!” …I was like…WHHHAATTTT !!!  * My heart stopped and sat on her couch and stunned!!!

MRI result...

MRI result…

Worst still, I was there alone…exhausted, scared, hungry, sad …all mix feeling in my tummy. First word that came out from my mouth…”Owh GOD! is this for real !!!” Dr. Norhayati kept talking to me…bla bla bla…but I do not really paid attention to her …my mind was everywhere. She saw me in shocked and straight away she held my hand and asked me to follow her. She wanted me to see someone that can help me. While walking up and down in the Hospital, she was on her mobile talking to someone that she was asking to see me…Immediately!!

Yeah people! I am….Yes! I am actually now struggling and soldiering with a serious condition, which I just discovered and which I first thought a minor sickness. However, it’s not and I am at the moment, focusing on taking steps into cure and further rehabilitation.

The fact is that I have been diagnosed with a “Tuberculum Sellae Meningioma” likely a Suprasellar Glicoma Tumour/ Brain Tumour with the size about 3cm diameter now …It’s grows behind both my eyes and it has grown in such a size that is affected my optical nerves that is limiting my eyesight to only 30-40% visibility. The growth is also moving up towards my brain & in consequence, I might suffer partial blindness and severe headaches.

Fair to say that it is quite serious but thanks GOD, it is noncancerous  and curable via Open Surgery or Biopsy. So far, open surgery would be my last option. My families and me are now considering alternative treatments as our initial way forward.

For personal reasons, I chose to reveal this information in here as I think it’s important that people around me know and aware with what is going on with me and at the same time have an awareness toward Brain Tumour too. Another part of my personal reasons is to seek forgiveness *if there is any and just in case. We do not know what is going to be happened next, right!!

From 6th June 2012, I was officially registered as a patient in KPJ Damansara Specialist Hospital and been observed under one of the top Neurosurgeon Specialist in the town, Dr Zurin…which was that “Someone” that Dr. Norhayati was talking on the phone before. He was actually on leave on that day and rushed back to the Hospital just to see me and went through in details the MRI scans result. Thank GOD, my darling husband arrived about the same time with Dr. Zurin and he was still in a blank, no idea with what actually happen. In a few minutes, he was explained by Dr. Zurin and as expected, he was shocked!!!

I did asked Dr, Zurin, what actually caused it and how long has it been inside my head and grown in such size? There’s no exact answer and reason what and why it was there. He predicted, it has been in there maybe since I was born and triggered and grown maybe since last 3-4 years. He added possibility due to hormonal imbalance, overstressed, environment, radioactive etc. It can be anything…Yeah, maybe…I was over worked for almost forever and I guess that was IT!!

I am grateful to see Dr. Zurin as he is a very calm and warm hearted person. Talking to him makes me feel better even though the news were huge and a shocker to me. My husband somehow calmed himself down too. We discussed about few options and plans to cure. The best is via open surgery / Biopsy, which costs me approximately 50K. *excluded other side cost…I was like, ermmm, okay…that’s a BIG BUCKS there. I need to do loads-loads research and reading after this. It’s a life changing stuff here and what I have to go through soon is going to flip my life like 360 degrees.

I was then prescribed with minimal dosage Steroid base controlled drugs in order to protect my optical nerve from further damages and instructed me to take a break from work, taking medical leave for two weeks and set a new appointment to see him again for further check up on 11th June 2012.

My total hours spent in the hospitals that day was about 8 hours, which was from 2pm until 10pm at night. I went back home to my daughter and gave her a big bear hug with lots of kisses. My heart crushed as I really do not know how to tell her. I just hold on to it and wait for the best moment to explain to her and to the rest of my family too.

Sheryl-Crow

Ironically, what happened to me on 6th June was the same day the news came out on local newspaper about the singer, Sheryl Crow, which was diagnosed with the same symptom, a Brain Tumour and it was 2 days before today…the World Brain Tumour Day – June 8th…!

World Brain Tumour Day – 8th June 2012

For the time being, I just stay calm and positive…take it easy…trying my very best gathering all my strengths and energies to move forward…Surrounding myself with beloved families and friends, makes me feel much much better…I am blessed to have such caring and loving peoples around me…!

As my friends and my husband always believe in me…”I am a tough cookie and I am a real Fighter… I will never never give up easily…That’s for sure !!!”

O GOD, grant me strength to stay stronger, grant me strength to face this obstacle…ameen !!

The battle continues….

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It has been a while & the WINTER is coming…

It has been a while…yeah, It’ has been a while…

American Idol Season 11’s fever was over. Really!! Nah…as for me, Phillip Phillips fever is still not so yet over though…still hawt hawt hawt ;-)) and now here comes EURO cups fever. Gosh! How time flies. Now I just realized that I have not updating my blog for almost half a year now…how bad !!

Okay Okay…It’s about time that I have to hit the keyboard again and start typing something…yeah, let’s do it ! ..

Year 2012 started very promising and I have gone through it day after day with excitements, joys and hopes…filled it to the max, in-fact OVER the max sometime! Works really took over me and I was like been captivated and hypnotized with it. Too focusing with works, doing my design proposals, running design projects, meeting datelines, at the same time have to juggle with housework chores, family commitments etc really burnt me out. I totally forgot to take a break, to ease myself…simply like…yeah, reward myself!!! How foolish of me!

Being a Workaholic Designnologista is somehow synonym with me…When it comes do do the design works…”Afiey, do your magic…Afiey, just do what you do best…Afiey, it’s a piece of cake…dadada“ No question whatsoever, I just do it with a single snap and will forget everything else. I dunno whether it’s great to be correlated with THAT though. The thing is…Yes! I am, I feel superbly GREAT!!! I love challenges and I can feel the fire in me whenever I accomplished a design challenge or competition. To make it perfect though…I won it !!

Crazee me, working like a bee, busy collecting honey like honey is the supreme thing in the universe!!!

So it’s half of 2012 already…HEY JUNE !!!…;-)) Humming to this song, kind of reminds me of HeeJun of AI11…”HeeJun, don’t make it bad”…;)) and when thinking of HeeJun makes me thinking of the Bromance momentous with his BFF Phillip Phillips, the Idol…Gosh! these two fellas really make me smile sometime and laugh out loud most of the time ;-D

Phillip Phillips on the other hand… is an unbelievable humble young guy from Leesburg, Georgia…the boy so talented his parents named him twice!! I was rooting for PP since his first audition in Savannah, Georgia with his unique renditions of classic Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition” and Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Those two songs straight away captured my attention and yeah that’s IT!!…This guy will be the next Idol of the season!! and yeah that’s IT!!…I was stuck with AI11 like never before…;-P

Phillip Phillips’s Best Audition

Following his journey in AI11 somehow inspiring me…His humbleness, his family bonding and love, his believe in his music and his courage to face the competition while soldering with his sickness really has taught me something!! The Finale between the Pilipino Mexican Diva Songstress, Jessica vs the humble talented so called “WMWG” the White Man With Guitar was the best AI Finale ever.

I remembered, when it was shown LIVE on cable tele, it’s on 24th May morning…I was at my client’s office waiting to go in the meeting room for my design presentation. While waiting, I was so busy following the tweets and updates…so excited to know the result! Just a few minutes before we were called to go in the room…I got the result and YEAHHHHH…PP was crowned the Idol!!! I was like, screaming in silence….YES YES YES!!! *happy and smile and my presentation went well too though…;-))

PP the Idol

…….“To Phillip Phillips…Big congrats all the way from Malaysia…Do not stop doing what you do best…can’t wait to own your music someday ;-)”…..

and yeah, you can call me “Philatic”…as I am playing all PP’s tracks throughout my day daily….! *I find it…a cool inspiring way to kick off my Design mode of a day…;-)

1st June 2012…Happy Birthday to da Red Armies leader, da mastermind of SW1 Solutions …Mr SJ – Hava Blast n a Bless one mate.!! And to me, may everything go well with my Ophthalmologist’s appointment…ameen !

After working so hard for few months….none stop, without break and breather somehow has triggered some unbalance stuff in my body. I guessed my body flagged some sign…with a simple ”Hello! You need to call for a break mam, I just cannot take it anymore” It was all started when I went to a construction site on a hot bright sunny day…I realized my both eyes cannot take the bright sunlight. I close my both eyes out of sudden with my both hands and open my only right eye…and discovered my right eye’s vision was very blurry!!

So, that was the first call for me…to go for a check up with my Ophthalmologist. I went to an eye specialist centre nearby my place “Centre for Sight”. That’s my 1st doctor’s appointment to check my eye sight issues.

I met with Dr. Zurina, the Ophthalmologist. But before that, I was examined by Optometrist…sitting in a dark room, asked to stare at a target, tested with shine a light into my both eyes…asked me to read some alphabets in different sizes…estimated by the Retinoscopy, an instrument called a Phoropter that has been put in front of my eyes with few lenses…did eye scanning…then I was asked to dilate my pupils by putting some eye drops in my both eyes for half an hours. My pupils was dilated…my both brown eyes look so big, kind of look like a cat’s eyes when staring at the light in the dark…:-P I can’t see thing at all…! This was when Dr.Zurina did few tests on my both eyes.

Dilated Pupils like a cat eyes…;-P

The result…my both eyes are healthy and perfect. There are no issues with my eyes, It is not about Long-sighted, Short-sighted, Astigmatic or Presbyopic…It is something else…so I was asked to come for 2nd appointment, which was on 3rd June.

3rd June 2012… Before I proceeded with my 2nd appointment with Dr. Zurina, again I have been asked to go through the eye test with Optometrist with the additional test called “Visual Field”. This test consists of lights flashing in the periphery of my vision while I have to stare at a light in the centre of my field of view. This is to measure my peripheral vision. My eyes will be alternately covered while I focus on a distant object. This test is to detect strabismus (eye turn), which can lead to Amblyopia (lazy eye), poor depth perception and other conditions.

The result…same as the 1st result, my both eyes are healthy and perfect. There are no issues with my eyes; It is not about Long-sighted, Short-sighted, Astigmatic or Presbyopic…everything is normal except my vision is still very poor, especially with my right eye. According to Dr Zurina’s advises, it is something got to do with my optical nerve which is behind my both eyes and recommended me to go through the MRI Orbit scan as I was suspected to have an Optic Neuritis, which is inflammation of the optic nerve…herrrmmm!!! Wondering !

MRI Orbit Scans

6th June 2012… MRI Orbit Scans? It sounded serious though and it’s costly too. Since Dr. Zurina wrote a recommendation letter to go for MRI scan after few tests…I took it, yeah! This is serious man! So I decided to do it. My 3rd appointment was…I went to KPJ Damansara Specilist Hospital, at X-ray and Radiography section alone, registered to proceed with my MRI Orbit scan. Only GOD knows how scared I was at that moment.

I have no idea what to expect. Sharp at 2pm, I was called to get ready. The nurse asked me to clean up my face, to make sure no make-up and whatsoever chemical substance on my face. So, I washed my face and put all my stuff in a locker. I was asked to wait at the waiting lounge. At first I did not know why I have to wait. Then, here came the nurse with a tray in her hand…with a Syringe Needle in it!!! OMG…I have to be injected!!! *scared like Hell and started shivering!!

I asked the nurse…do I need to be injected? and she said…”Yes mam, I have to insert the needle in your vein at your hand in order to pump it the dye injection for contrast exam”…I was like, errrr…Okay! Then, she took my left hand, tied my wrist to find the vein and …she poke it…damn!!! It hurts!!! It was stuck there secured with tape with the plastic head exposed…!!

I was lead to the white room with the MRI scan machine in the middle of the room. The machine is kind of like a gigantic cylinder with a table in it. I was asked to lie on it and not to move an inch, so I did. Then the nurse put me on a head phone gear with some cool music played in it. I guess it is to cut the machine noises. Yeah, true enough, the machine created so much noises and vibrations and I was stuck in it for almost 75 minutes and within the middle of the procedure I was injected again with the dye thingy and that was hurt!!! Bad enough I cannot event move and talk!!! What the AF !!

After 2 hours of struggles with coldness, stillness and noises…I thought it was over. No! It was yet over, It’s just started…It’s a new beginning…of a cold long WINTER!!!

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